My big-ass road trip: Day 4 – South Dakota

Not sure what this stuff is supposed to be, but it's cool.

"Ow!"

We'd made it to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, right before midnight Monday. The drive through Wisconsin and Minnesota went rather quickly. Our first stop was at a sculpture garden about 40 minutes outside Madison, followed by dinner in Tomah. There was also a frantic search for a Starbucks in Albert Lea, Minn. Jai isn't pleasant when he's not had his coffee.

Finally, we stopped at a Motel 6, and I promptly discovered that I'm allergic to Motel 6. I spent the first 10 minutes in the room sneezing.

After a quick breakfast Tuesday morning at a Flying J truck stop, we once again headed out on the open road, determined to make it Rapid City. As it turns out, South Dakota is a happening place. Well, parts of South Dakota. So we've turned Tuesday into our Day of Seeing Lots of Touristy Shit.

Shit to see No. 1: The Corn Palace in Mitchell, S.D.

Outside the mighty corn palace, with two of the artisan-slaves preparing for the Spring Feasting Ceremonies.

The Corn Palace is a majestic palace. Of corn. First cornstructed in 1892 during the Great Corn Wars of the Dakotas, the Corn Palace was the seat of government for Emperor Charles Steven LeRoy I during the short-lived Unified Kingdom of the Dakotas and Northern Nebraska (which spanned three entire blocks of Main Street in the town of Mitchell). The Kingdom lasted for six years, until in 1898, it was re-annexed by platoon United States Marines who had been mustered, but had not seen combat, during the Spanish-American War. Since then, the Corn Palace, which was rebuilt in 1903, has stood as a proud symbol of South Dakotan independence.

Once inside the Corn Palace, we were greeted by Sandy, a volunteer who gave us a guided tour through the lobby, showing us large, Photoshop-enhanced images of the first Corn Palace, examples of the process legions of artisan-slaves use to create the palace's annual motifs, and the men's room, located conveniently in the corner. I have to say, said restroom was quite clean and sparkly.

We finished our stay in Mitchell, having also hit up Zeke's western store. From there, it was back on I-90, through hundreds of miles of empty, open road and several thousand billboards advertising Wall Drug. As we crossed the Missouri River, Jai realized he was finally free from the oppression of Madison. Wisconsin and the wind at our backs, we ride on to our next destination – The Badlands.

Shit to see No. 2: The Badlands National Park

Never forget the termites.

The Badlands National Park is a large geologic formation in southern South Dakota. According to the $15 informational brochure we were forced to buy with our free admission to the park, The Badlands were formed 75 million years ago. During that time, the climate of this part of the country was much warmer, and was covered by a huge, shallow sea. It was an age of great and terrible beasts, and none was more terrible than the Colossal Cretaceous South Dakotan Termite. These termites, which grew to more than 15 meters in length and 8 meters tall, built their colossal termite mounds in the shallow sea that stretched across what is now the Great Plains of the United States. The termites died out about 5 million years before the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs hit the Yucatan Peninsula, but thankfully, their giant mud and rock mounds, with their bands of brilliant color, remain to this day.

Shit to see No. 3: Wall Drug Store in Wall, S.D.

If only Jai had learned to read ...

Whatever you do, don't expect privacy in the privy.

When Jai was bitten by a rattlesnake after leaving the designated rattlesnake-free path during a small hike in the Badlands, I knew we had to seek medical attention. Since there are no hospitals between here and Butte, Montana, I drove as fast as the speed limit would allow me to Wall, South Dakota (population 818), about eight miles outside the Badlands and home to the world famous Wall Drug Store.

Driving through South Dakota, surrounded by the empty, desolate beauty of middle America, we were bombarded by billions of garish billboards proclaiming Wall Drug to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, the New Testament and season three of Battlestar Galactica. Even in Kenya, where civil strife over who won that country's presidential elections has spilled the blood of hundreds, people can still come together, regardless of tribal affiliation, and marvel at a huge billboard touting the magical healing powers of Wall Drug.

Unfortunately, when we arrived, we discovered that there really aren't any drugs, of the legal or illegal sort, at Wall Drug. Instead, it's a hodgepodge of stores where you can buy prints of Indian and John Wayne paintings, cowboy hats, dreamcatchers and toy guns, be serenaded by broken robot cowboys and dine on (quite tasty) Indian tacos, made of fried bread. By the time we did find a small isle of pain killers, suppositories and anti-venom, Jai was so furious due to Wall Drug not living up to his great expectations that his anger boiled the venom right out of his system.

I too, had a terrible experience, due to the door on the toilet stall in the saloon we visited not having a door lock.

However, it wasn't a total loss. I did get my complimentary Wall Drug bumper sticker.

Shit to see No. 4: Mt. Rushmore

The stunning visage of our country's father, Ronald Reagan, gazes east across our great land.

Mt. Rushmore, located near Keystone, S.D. (pop. 311), was built in 1959 by film director Alfred Hitchcock as a location for the climax of his classic film North by Northwest, starring Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint. Due to the enormous union costs Hitchcock would have incurred tearing the set down, it was left as is, and has become a well known tourist attraction. Jai and I drove up the long, winding road to the mountain, only to discover that, once we got there, we'd have to pay $10 to see this famed film location.

"Fuck that," Jai said, spitting onto the ground.

Shit to see No. 5: Crazy Horse

"No, no no. Not over there. Over there! Right where I'm pointing. No right – no, just look where my finger's pointing."

Located just a few miles away from Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse is the world's largest sculpture, a gigantic representation of the famed Indian warrior who, after years of posthumous psychoanalysis, was found not to be crazy, but was just bipolar type 1. After work was started on the sculpture nearly 60 years ago, only the face of the majestic warrior is finished.

It cost $20 to see the sculpture and the surrounding visitor center, and none of the toilet stalls had doors with working locks.

Shit.

After what seemed like a whole day of driving, we arrived at a La Quinta hotel in Rapid City. We've had dinner (both of us had chicken which really didn't taste like chicken, which is quite odd, since everything tastes like chicken), we've got some beer, and we're steeling ourselves for tomorrow, as we plan to conquer Montana.

Onward to Seattle!